The Struggle is Real

13137040In my weekly bible study, we have chosen the book, Made to Crave, Satisfying Your Deepest Desire with God, not Food, written by Lysa Terkeurst. We all agreed upon this book because we have all struggled with our weight for years, and we together are on a weight-loss journey. We want to eat healthier and of courses lose the much-needed weight.  We have only begun, I read the introduction last night and just in the few pages it really hit me hard.  If someone would have told me twenty years ago that I would struggle with my weight I would have said they were crazy, why because I never had an issue with weight in the past.  My struggle with weight began after I had my first child, before that I never had to worry about what I ate or how much (not that I ever ate a lot anyway).

As a child I was sufficiently underweight, I did not eat much at all. I was very picky, no matter what my parents tried to do to get me to eat. I remember falling asleep at the dinner table several nights because I was not allowed to get down until I ate my vegetables.  I hated vegetables, I am still not a huge fan of them today. Eventually, my mother would get tired of fighting me on this matter, but I was around 16 or so and she let me make my own decision.  When I graduated high school I was 88 lbs., keep in mind I was only 4’9 so I was tiny all around. I never had to worry about what I ate, cake, candy, cookies- SWEETS! Until I became pregnant with my first child.  I was a whopping 95 lbs. at the start of the pregnancy, but by the end, I was 160. To many, this may not seem like a lot but remember I was only 4’9 and I started at 95 pounds. I accepted this because I felt it was normal I was having a baby. Naturally, I would gain weight. It was after my son was born is when the issues truly began. I found I could no longer eat like I had in the past.  While pregnant, I did eat some veggie cause I knew it was important for the baby, but I hated it all the way.  After the birth, I tried going back to the way I was accustomed to eating, but I could no longer do so and be skinny.  It was horrifying. I could not lose weight like I naively thought I could. Seriously looking back, how could I have lost any weight. I did not eat healthily, nor did I exercise. What?  I had to eat properly and exercise, no way that was happening. I despised exercising, and I still hated veggies.

I struggled for a long while with this issue, so one day I decided to stop drinking regular soda and went to diet ( this was before the whole aspartame issue) and went from regular Oreos to low-fat ones. I know daring right? Well, it did work, I lost 10lbs in the first month, but (why is there always a but) it did not last because I still was not exercising or eating right.  I could not wrap my head around this concept, so for the next few years, I fluctuated with my weight.  Then I became pregnant with my second child, starting weight 120; ending at 140. Not too bad right, well sad news there, before my second son was two months old I found myself with child again. I did not even have time to lose the baby weight, and I am pregnant again. I will be totally honest with you all, I cried. I believe I was in denial for a while and I cried for like two weeks. I was a mother of two small boys ages two and newborn, I did not want to be pregnant again.  Obviously, there was nothing I could do about it, what’s done is done. After the shock, I embraced it and my husband and I prepared to be a family of five.  Anyway, back to the weight, I started off at 140 and ended at 180. YIKES! The heaviest I ever was, EVER.   I was like okay I got this, I will just stop eating so much and chasing two toddlers will especially help right?  I did lose some but I continued to struggle.  Through the years I would lose a little, then gain it back.  Now I am 41 and find it even harder to lose.

I do eat a little healthier now, however, I still find myself drawn to those darn sweets. I do exercise more now, but the weight is just not coming off. My husband and I are doing this together and he has lost almost twenty pounds, and I have lost a measly 3pounds. UGH.  Not fair right.  So, when my bible study ladies brought up this book study I was all in; without hesitation.

Lysa, like many of us women, struggles with eating healthy and doing what is right. In her book, she will talk about her struggles and how she found her “Want To”. She states that she has read many books about healthy eating and losing weight, it is not the “how to” it is the “want to” She is not specifically talking just about a healthy physical life, but she is speaking about spiritual life as well. Many of us are all Spiritually malnourished, Lysa said, We feel overweight physically but underweight spiritually.”

I know, I for one am having the issue with the “want to,” I want to, but do I WANT TO?  The desire is not fully there. I go to bed every night telling myself I am going to get up earlier and go for a walk in the morning, and every morning I hit that snooze button instead. I tend to value my sleep more.  I want to eat healthier, but when I grab a snack I grab nonhealthy rather than healthy and than I get mad at myself.  I also have frustration on my side, I have been walking with my husband in the evenings and we take the same route every day, but I seem to get winded and have a hard time with the walk. I should not be like this, I should be used to it by now. I feel I hold my husband back and that he is not getting the full benefit of the exercise because of me. This makes me want to back off more and just say forget it, but deep down I know I should keep going. Plus I enjoy the time together as we walk.

I am hoping and praying that this bible study will help me breakthrough my issues and get my desire back. The Struggle is so Real.

Now on to chapter one.

 

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